


Choosing Sides

by Rosalita_Sanz



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel War, Caring Crowley, Depressed Castiel, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Human Castiel, Hurt Castiel, M/M, Runaway Castiel, Violence, Worried Dean, Worried Sam
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-06-08 23:49:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6880525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosalita_Sanz/pseuds/Rosalita_Sanz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Cas…Cas!” Dean screamed frantically, but there was no response.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing a fic. I hope you guys like it. Constructive criticism is encouraged.

“Cas…Cas!,” Dean screamed frantically, but there was no response.

  
...

 

It all happened so fast. Dean was going out to get some beer, next thing he knew, there was the sound of fluttering wings and a gust of wind. He was surrounded by four angels.

  
“Dean Winchester, we're here to ask you to come with us and meet with Metatron”, said the blond chick closest to him.

  
“Just like that?”

  
The Angel behind him spoke. “You're outnumbered, it is in your best interest to surrender yourself.”

  
“ Yeah,well too bad i don't always do what's for my best interest. “

  
He tried to fight them off but it was of no use. One of them hit his leg, he heard a pop followed by pain that doubled him over and distracted him from the next punch directed to his face. He prayed to his friend for help and the angel didn't let him down. Cas arrived to a bloody Dean on the floor surrounded by four angels, none of which he knew. The angels were surprised to see Castiel standing next to Dean. They had not accounted to see him, last they heard his grace was gone, Metatron had cut him off of heaven. The angels decided to take no chances and started attacking Cas before he even got to utter a word.

Dean tried to get up to help Cas, but it was of no use, something was very wrong with his right leg if the excruciating pain was something to go by. Cas was no match to those angels, his mojo had been diminished thanks to the scribe of God and teleporting himself to Dean had taking most of what was left. He was easily beaten to a pulp. The fallen angel was dropped next to Dean by the same chick that first talk to Dean.

That was it. They had lost. They were under metatrons rule now. In a last effort to save Dean Cas touched Dean’s shoulder, healing him and teleporting him as far away as he could.

Just as Dean realized that he had been teleported he saw a bright light where he had been a second ago. He closed his eyes, and just like that the light was gone. Dean got up and ran towards where Cas should be, his eyes adjusting to the little light the full moon had to offer.

There was no Cas. The other angels were not there either. _“What happened?,”_ Dean thought. His worry grew as he looked around and couldn’t spot him. _“Is he ok? Did they take him? Did they kill him?”_

...

 

It felt like years had passed. Dean ran back and forth screaming himself hoarse looking for Cas, but he couldn't find him. The combination of shock, fright and adrenaline had stopped Dean from thinking clearly; getting Sam the moment he realized that Cas was missing would have been a wise choice. But screaming Cas’ name and looking frantically around for him had been all Dean had been able to bring himself to do.

He ran to the bunker.

“Sam!,” Dean screamed the moment he opened the door.

The younger brother could hear the distress in Dean’s voice and ran out of the kitchen.

“What is it?” he asked, his right hand holding a knife.

“Grab a flashlight and an angel blade,” Dean ran to his room not looking back to make sure Sam was following. “Cas and I were attacked by four angels. Cas healed and teleported me right before a light explosion where him and the other angels disappeared.” He stopped just shy of opening his room's door and turned back to Sam. “We’ve got to find Cas!” His voice broke at Cas’ name.

“Okay, I’ll be right out.” Sam said as he ran towards his room.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Winchester brothers go out to look for Cas, will they be successful?

Sam came out of the bunker to find Dean screaming Cas’ name to no avail.   
  
“Have you tried his cell?”, Sam asked as he approached Dean. Even though he could not make out what his face looked like because of the darkness, he could tell through his body language that he was scared.   
  
Dean stopped at a halt.  “No”, he replied as he reached for his cell phone in his right pocket. He searched for Cas’ contact and paused when he saw the green ‘CALL’ button, “ _ come on Cas, pick up _ ”, he thought. He took a deep breath and pressed the green button with a shaky finger.  There was a knot in his stomach that barely let him breath as he put the phone to his ear.   
  
“Dean, do you hear that?” Sam asked.  Dean was about speak, but Sam put his  index finger to his mouth.   
  
“There!” Sam screamed pointing into the woods. 

 

After a second Dean heard what Sam was referring to.  Far in the distance you could hear what sounded like a phone ringing. “Yeah, it’s Cas’ phone!”    
  
The sound was very low and they could barely make out which direction it was coming from.  The two brothers sprinted towards the music. Worry was very apparent on both of their faces. After a few more calls they arrived to the phone, which was face down next to a very old looking tree, but there was no Cas. The Winchesters stood in front of Cas’ phone while the phone call went to voicemail for the sixth time.  Neither of them could bring themselves to pick up the phone, doing so felt like admitting that Cas was lost.   
  
“Cas!”, Sam screamed startling Dean who was lost in thought. “I’m going to go look for him, if his phone is here then there is a big chance that he’s around here Dean.” Sam didn’t quite believe that he could be out there, but he needed hope.   
  
“Sammy…”    
  
“Dean you cover South and East, I’ll cover North and West, when we’re done we’ll meet back here.”  Sam didn't let him finish what ever Dean was about to say, he couldn't bring himself to hear what they were both thinking.  Cas was gone.  He left before his brother could respond.   
  
The older brother stood alone for a while before bending down to pick up Cas’ phone. “Cas please if you can hear me…”, he felt a knot in his throat and stinging in the back of his eyes, “…just come back.” He put his friend’s phone in his left pocket and moved to cover South and East just as Sam had told him.   
  
After what seemed like hours of desperately looking and screaming for Cas, the younger Winchester was about to head back to the old tree. But then he heard some ruffling near him. “Cas?” His heart was pumping fast. He held the angel blade in a defensive position and turned his flashlight to the source of the sound. There was a bloody torn trench coat on the ground. Without thinking he flew towards it and quickly saw the man covered by it, it was Cas.   
  
His heart was pumping, his hands were shaking, he felt like his knees could give out at any second. Sam bent down slowly and looked at Cas’ bloody face. He reluctantly moved his hand towards his neck. Pulse.  _ He's Alive! _ After a few unsuccessful attempts to make Cas regain conscience Sam opted to pick him up. Very carefully and with care he picked his friend up from the ground, the same way his older brother had carried him to bed when they were young and he had fallen asleep watching TV. Sam was surprised at how light Cas was, he always thought that he would be heavier for some reason.  He made sure Cas’ head rested against his chest rather than have it dangling and possibly causing his friend more damage.  Sam went back to the old tree and called Dean on his phone. Dean didn’t even let Sam finish what he was saying. As soon as he heard “I found Cas, we’re in the meeting point…” He hung up and ran.  As he got closer to the tree he could see that Sam was carrying something. But he didn't register that Cas was what Sam was carrying until he was in front of his brother.   
  
“Cas?” he said as he dropped his flashlight and took Cas from Sam’s arms without looking at his brother. Dean stared at Cas’ face, it was so bloody that the moonlight made his face look like it shined. After what seemed like an eternity Dean brought himself to ask his brother a question to which the answer could kill him.   
  
“Is he…?” He couldn’t bring himself to finish the question, thankfully his brother didn't need him to.   
  
“He’s alive, come on let's go to the bunker.” He put his hand on his older brother’s shoulder looking for reassurance and also to make sure his brother was ok. “Do you need help carrying Cas?”   
  
“No I can do it,” he chuckled, “I always thought he'd be heavier you know?” To which Sam nodded.  “You lead the way.”

 

Sam bent down and picked up the flashlight Dean had dropped and led them back to the bunker. The walk was silent except for the occasional “Cas, wake up buddy” or “We’re going to take good care of you, just hold on”, that Dean kept telling Cas.   
  
Inside the bunked Dean made way to his room. Once Cas was on his bed he looked back at his brother who was right behind them.  

  
Sam looked at his brother.  Dean looked scared, the same way he did when they were kids and he had broken his arm while attempting to fly like Superman.     
  
“Dean, he’ll be alright. He’s probably just recharging his mojo.” He said as he leaned on the doorframe.  He knew both of them didn't believe that.  But he couldn't bring himself to think the worst.     
  
“That’s bullshit and you know it. Cas had barely any mojo before he came and rescued me. There is no mojo to recharge because it's fleeting!” He looked at his brother’s eyes, but started to feel vulnerable and turned back to Cas.  He couldn't let his brother see him cry, he needed to be strong for both of them.  Sam walked towards his brother and again put his hand on his shoulder to try and give his brother some sort of comfort.   
  
“Give me your phone.” Sam told Dean.   
  
“Why?” The older brother asked looking up at his brother.   
  
“So I can call Crowley, maybe he knows something of angel fleeting mojo.” He held his hand out to his older brother.   
  
“No, I’ll call him”, Dean said as he got up and left Sam in the room with Cas.   
  
The younger brother grabbed a chair and sat next to Cas. After a couple minutes he decided that he couldn’t keep on staring at his friend’s bloody face and went to the bathroom to get a bucket with warm water and a few washcloths. He dropped the bucket on the floor and sat down next to his friend.  He dunked a  white washcloth in the bucket, twisted it to rid of some water, and started wiping Cas’ face carefully with the damp cloth.  By the time he was done cleaning the angel’s face the white washcloth along with the water was a red toned rose color.  He was able to see where the source of the blood was. Cas had a deep cut right above his hairline. It had stopped bleeding, but if his mojo was not going to recharge he would need stitches. He had just started to clean his neck and chest when Dean came back accompanied by Crowley.   
  
“So Dean tells me that angel boy here is dying…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm testing the waters with this fic writing thing. I've been meaning to give it a try for a while and finally decided to take a chance. I hope you guys like it. Constructive criticism is always encouraged.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys get Crowley to help them, but is there anything left to do?

“So Dean tells me that angel boy here is dying. I must say I’m surprised. I always thought that he was God’s favorite. You know with that whole not staying dead thing.” Crowley said as he walked around Dean’s room until he was next to Sam and Cas. Sam looked at the king of hell and gave him an annoyed look. “So he’s been unconscious since the moment you found him?” The demon asked while maintaining the contact with Sam.   
  
“Yes and he’s not healing. He has a cut on his head and I’m sure there’s more judging by all the blood on his clothes” He sighed. “I knew he was weak, but not this weak. Is there anything you can do?” Sam asked looking back at Cas. He already hated the idea of working with a demon and was ready for a comeback if Crowley did not take this problem for its seriousness.   
  
“Let’s see what's going on with hot wings here.” Crowley kneeled down and touched Castiel’s chest. Sam gave Dean a questioning look when he saw the events unfolding in front of him. Dean took a step forwards and was just about to ask Crowley what he was doing when the demon started to talk again.   
  
“Well I must say this is quite intriguing. Angel boy here is more human than angel at this point. I had a couple of rats with Metatron and they told me some stories that I found hard to believe. But judging by the look of this…” He said as he pointed up and down at Castiel’s body. “It could be true.” He stood back up and looked at Dean. “I’m afraid I can’t help your boyfriend here.” Dean gave Crowley an annoyed look when he heard the word boyfriend, but then his brain caught on to what the meaning behind the words of the demon meant.   
  
“What do you mean you can’t help him? You’re the king of hell and apparently have some angels up your sleeve!” Dean was getting desperate.   
  
What the hell did Crowley mean when he said Cas was more human than angel? Cas had not ripped out his grace the way Hannah had, but if he was more human than angel, did that mean that they had to take him to the hospital? He wasn’t getting any better on his own. Dean’s mind was racing with preoccupations about Cas, but was brought back to reality when he heard Crowley begin to talk again.   
  
“Well apparently Metatron is the new god or something like that. He of course doesn’t like Cas because HE was dumb enough to choose the Winchesters over the angels. So he cut off Castiel from heaven’s grace.” Realizing that the Winchester’s did not understand the implications of an angel who’s grace was diminishing he started to get annoyed. “Ughhh…” He groaned as he put his hand to his face. “You guys are lucky you have your looks” He said pointing at both. “An angel with no grace dies.” Both brothers’ eyes went wide at that. “That’s why you guys have noticed that he has been weak lately. He’s been slowly dying. And apparently the little fight you just had took most of his grace away. I’m kind of surprised he’s still alive.” He said as he took a seat on Dean’s desk chair.   
  
“But there is always something we can do. You got angels that work for you. Maybe they can help.” Sam said as he got up and walked towards Crowley.   
  
“Did you not pay attention to what I said?! I said HAD moron.” Crowley got up and walked towards Castiel. “No angel is going to double cross Metatron, especially while he has the angel tablet. I’m pretty sure Castiel is being used as an example for any other angel that chooses anything else but Metatron.” He looked back at Sam.   
  
“So he’s dying for choosing us, that’s just peachy.” Dean said and walked out of the room. Both Sam and Crowley looked at the spot where Dean had just been and stood quiet not knowing what to say.   
  
Dean walked to the kitchen and grabbed his bottle of whiskey. He didn’t bother to get a glass; he was going to drink the whole bottle anyway. Everyone who chooses to be with him always ends up dead or worse. This was HIS fault. Cas had to go save HIM like always and sacrificed himself in doing so.   
  
__   
  
Dean walked out before either Sam or the demon could say anything to his remark. Crowley turned back to Sam and gave a questioning look to Sam. “I knew that your brother had a girl crush on wings here, but I didn’t know it was this serious.” Sam gave the demon his best bitch face.  It was bad enough that his friend was dying and that his brother was blaming himself for it. He was not about to put up with the demon’s stupid comments.   
  
“Can you at least act like you’re not enjoying this?” He asked as he got off his chair. “What can save Cas? I know that you, and Dean, and I can’t save him. But what can?” He asked as he got closer to Crowley.   
  
“Well it’s a lost cause. I believe there are only two ways to save Castiel. But they’re practically impossible.” He sighed and he took a seat on Dean’s bed next to Cas’ feet.   
  
“Well what else is new?” Sam asked as he walked over to Dean’s desk and leaned against it.   
  
Crowley gave Sam and incredulous look. “ _ Yes you always seem to do the impossible. But you always got your sidekick with you when you prevail in your missions to save the world _ ,” Crowley thought.   
  
“Okay. Well one thing you could do is get Metatron to give him access to heaven’s grace again. That way Castiel can recharge and be his gorgeous self as always. But then there’s the problem that Metatron wants your heads on a silver platter.” He gave Sam a pitiful look. “Or you could get an angel to take his remaining grace away, hence turning him human. But that method could kill him in the process.” Seeing that Sam was trying to understand the implications of that method Crowley went on to explain what seemed obvious to him. “Look it’s basically like ripping his wings off. It will be painful and I don’t think he can survive that.   It’s hard for an angel at full strength to survive that, I seriously doubt he would make it. Plus there is the problem of not knowing if Castiel would approve to be turned into a human. Maybe he would rather die.” Crowley said as he turned back to look at Cas.   
  
The demon found it funny how not so long ago he wanted to kill the angel himself. A year or two ago he would have love nothing else but to stand there and watch him die. But now it was kind of melancholic to think him gone.   
  
“How much longer do you think he has?” Sam asked as he started to walk towards the door. He knew what to do, the problem was, did he have enough time?   
  
“I would say about 24 hours.” That's enough time.  Sam walked out of the room, he was going to waste no time.   
  
“Hey I didn’t sign up to be the angel’s babysitter! You know I got hell to run!” He yelled at Sam as he walked towards the door. But Sam ignored him. “Bollocks!”   
  
Crowley walked back to the chair he had found Sam on when he first walked into Dean’s room and took a seat. “ _ Funny, looking at you like this…you don’t look constipated,” _ the demon thought. He had been left alone with Cas, but his thoughts were his only company. He could have just left, but something was holding him back. He had to see this through for some reason.   
  
__   
  
Dean was in the library. He was sitting at his usual spot with a bottle of whiskey that was now half empty. He was not ready to go back into his room and face his brother. His brother who knew that HE was to blame for Cas’ inevitable death.    
  
He took a big gulp from the bottle with the intentions of downing it all in the next. But then heard some noise come from the dungeon and opted to put the bottle down. Chances were it was either Sam or Crowley but decided to check it out just in case. He walked, or rather bumped, towards the dungeon as best he could. The door was open so he walked right in and leaned against the doorframe for balance. His brother was there.   
  
“What’r yu doing?” Dean asked.

 

The younger brother jumped when he heard his older brother's voice. He tried to regain his composure.     
  
“I am trying to save Cas’ life, what are you doing?” He looked back at his older brother. He hadn’t meant his voice to sound as angry as it did but realizing that Dean had decided to drown his problems as usual brought up sour feelings.   
  
“Sammy yu heard Crew-crowley…there’s nothing we can do.” He looked his brother in the eyes, he needed him to understand. What on earth was he doing? There is nothing they can do to save him.   
  
“Yes that’s right we can’t, but another angel can.”   
  
“What?” 

  
It wasn’t that Dean hadn't heard what his brother said; he just didn’t understand how that could help.   
  
“We ask an angel to turn him into a human and heal him. Angels can become human just like Hannah did, and Jimmy’s vessel is empty.” Sam said as he kept on collecting the rest of the ingredients he needed to make a summoning spell.   
  
“Did you miss the part where Crowley said that no angel will choose anything else but Metatron?” Dean took a shaky step into the dungeon. “Plus he wants us dead. What guarantees us that the angel that ends up coming here won’t try to kill us instead?” He was desperate to save Cas, but he was not about to let his younger brother get himself killed.   
  
“Nothing, but the angel I’m summoning would never follow orders from another angel,” he said as he placed all the ingredients on the interrogation table.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again as always I welcome criticism. I'm trying to write a fic for you all to enjoy. So if I'm doing something that's stopping you from fully enjoying it please let me know.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam summons someone to help with Cas' current state, will this someone be interested in helping Cas out?

After making sure he had all the ingredients Sam had gone outside to cast the spell. It had been two minutes and still no appearance.   
  
Out of nowhere a voice appeared making Sam jump. “Hi Sam, I must say I’m quite surprised you figured out I’m alive. I always thought it would be Dean-o, but then again he’s got the looks so it makes sense that it would be you I guess.”   
  
Sam scuffed as he rolled his eyes. “Hi Gabriel, look I’m just going to cut to the chase because this is an urgent matter.”   
  
“Does it have to do with little bro Cas?”   
  
Sam took a step closer to the archangel, “you know? How could you know and not do anything when Cas is dying?”   
  
“Wow, calm down there Sam. What do you mean Cas is dying? All I meant was Metatron cutting him off of heaven, or so they say in angel radio.”   
  
After realizing that Gabriel was not aware of Castiel’s current state he decided to give him a briefing.   
  
“Well thanks to being cut off from heaven his grace has been depleting, you should know that. Today he got into a fight with other angels and when we found him he was bloody and unconscious. He is still unconscious, he hasn’t healed himself, and Crowley said that he’s got at the most 24 hours and that was a couple of hours ago.”   
  
“Crowley? The king of hell? You believe that sucker?”   
  
“He was the only one we could call for help. You should know what the situation is since you’re up to date on angel radio.”   
  
“I see, well I don’t know how I can be of help. I can heal Cas’ body, but I can’t return his grace if that’s what you want.”   
  
“Crowley said he has two options, one of them being turning Cas into a human.”   
  
Gabriel stared quizzically at Sam, “do you understand what you’re asking of me?”   
  
Sam stared blankly at Gabriel.   
  
The archangel smirked, “of course you don’t!” He opened his arms exasperated.   
  
“Turning an angel into a human can kill the angel. It’s ripping their grace, their essence, their wings, and confining them into a small body. If the process itself doesn’t kill Cas, he’ll wish it did.” The archangel took a deep breath, “I can’t do it Sam. Not unless he wants it, and even if he asks me to, I don’t think I would go through with it.”   
  
“Gabriel, please…”   
  
Both Gabriel and Sam turned to meet Dean’s eyes.   
  
“Dean-o! My, you haven’t changed a bit, still charming as ever.”   
  
“Gabriel, please you have got to save Cas.”   
  
“Dean, turning Cas into a human will not be saving him, it will be tormenting him.”   
  
Dean stepped closer to his brother and the archangel. “You said you wouldn’t do it without his consent. Okay then, heal him, and then we’ll see what he wants.” He saw that Gabriel was about to cut him off so he made a last attempt. “Look, all I’m asking…”, he took shaky breath, “I’m begging for…is for him to have the choice NOT to die.”   
  
“I’ll heal him. But that doesn’t mean that he’ll wake up...”   
  
“We’ll take whatever we can get.” Sam intervened before his brother lost his temper, whatever they could get was better than nothing at this point.   
  
_____   
  
‘ _ What the hell could possibly be taking them so long. _ ’ Crowley thought. It had been at least two hours since Sam had left.   
  
‘ _ Why the hell am I still here? I did not sign up for babysitting duty. They’re going to get a piece of my…’ _   
  
“Well hi there Crowley”, Gabriel said in a teasing tone.

  
The demon was startled. Having been lost in thought he did not hear the footsteps coming down the hall to the room.   
  
“Don’t worry; I’m not here to smite you. I’m not really in a smiting mood.”   
  
The demon gave the archangel a bothersome look. “How flattering really, but now that my services aren’t needed I’ll take my leave.” He walked past the archangel and stopped in front of the two brothers. He gave them a quick once over and left without a word.   
  
“That guy has really got to let loose,” the archangel said while giving the Winchesters a warm smile.   
  
Gabriel  walked to his brother. “Okay little brother, here goes nothing.”   
  
He placed his right hand to Cas’ forehead and healed him. But Cas did not wake up.   
  
Dean went to Gabriel. “Why isn’t he waking up?” He grabbed onto Gabriel’s upper arm and turned him around to face him, “wake him up”, he demanded.   
  
“Dean I told you that he might not wake up.”   
  
“Okay fine, use your angel mojo and talk to him in his dream.”   
  
Gabriel scoffed, “I do not have to take orders from you…”   
  
Seeing that they were losing ground with the archangel, Sam, decided to intervene.  “Look Gabriel, all Dean and I are asking you to do is to give Cas a chance. We asked you to turn him into a human, but you want to give him a choice. So wouldn’t talking to him in a dream be the same as talking to him if he was awake?”   
  
The archangel turned his full attention to the younger sibling. “Look Sam, this is not a simple matter. Yes, I can talk to him in his dream, and yes he could give consent. But if I do this and he dies in the process or survives but is miserable, that’s on me. You don’t understand the implications.”   
  
Dean couldn’t help but laugh at the archangel’s explanation.  “I don’t know if you realize this but he’s dead if you don’t help him anyway, and if Cas is unhappy with the outcomes you can rest assured that it was HIS decision to do so. And I’m sure he knows the implications of such a decision given that he's an angel.”   
  
“I’ll talk to him. But if he does not agree with it, I’ll respect his wishes and leave.”   
  
“Cas won't give up, he’ll rather be human.” Dean chimed in.   
  
“Well we won't know until I talk to him won't we?” Gabriel took a seat on the chair next to where Cas laid.   
  
“I would like to be alone while I talk to my brother.”   
  
“No…” Dean did not get to voice his objection by the time Sam had hauled him out of his own room.   
  
\---   
  
“What the hell Sammy!? How long have you known that Gabriel was alive? You said you were going to summon an angel, not an archangel. We know that angels are assholes and that archangels are bigger assholes!!”   
  
Sam took a seat on his usual chair in the library, “well we don’t have a lot of time and I knew that he would not be one of Metatron’s supporters. That was good enough for me.”   
  
“He doesn’t want to save Cas. You know that right?” Dean walked opposite of Sam and sat down.   
  
“Yes he does Dean, but he wants it to be his choice. Not every choice has to be controlled by you, you know.”   
  
“What is that supposed to mean?!”   
  
“You always sacrifice yourself and make choices for others when they don’t ask you to. You do it because it’s what’s right according to you. But it isn’t, what is right is letting others make choices for themselves.”   
  
The older brother got off of his seat. “This is rich! I’m guessing by ‘others’ you mean yourself?”   
  
Sam didn’t respond.   
  
“If it weren’t for me you would be dead, you know that?”   
  
“Yes Dean, I know that. But I’m here because YOU have made decisions to keep me here with you. I’m here with you. But if Cas decides that he’d rather die, you have to let him go. Do you understand?”   
  
Dean put his hands up in surrender. “I can’t even look at you right now.” He said as he stormed out of the library.   
  
“Where are you going?”   
  
“Relax. I’m going to the kitchen to get a beer.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been really busy so I have not been able to update this fic. I currently had a large break and decided to spend it on this fic. I'm sorry if there are a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes. Please do point out if you find any :). Hope you enjoy it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Castiel decide to become human? and if so, will he pull through?

Gabriel walked out of Dean’s room, closing the door behind him.When Sam spotted him as he entered the library he couldn’t tell what he had just done.  He had a monotone look.   
  
Sam stood up from his seat, “did you talk to him?”   
  
The archangel put a hand over his face and spoke, “yes…” 

 

If this situation was not as serious as it was, Gabriel would have made a joke or kept the mystery as to what his actions were to himself, but this was no laughing matter. 

 

“He asked to be turned human. So I respected his choice,” he sighed, retrieving his hand from his face and looked at Sam.   
  
“He survived it...barely, but he’s not out of the woods yet, he’s still unconscious. I healed him, he has nothing wrong physically, but like I said…not many angels would survive this.  I'm surprised Cassie did, but then again, he seems to be allergic to staying dead, so good for him.” He said in a defeated tone.  “If he recovers, this will take a huge toll on him mentally.”   
  
“But he’s currently alive and he’s human. So he’s diminishing grace is not killing him, right?” Sam asked as he took a couple of steps towards Gabriel.   
  
Gabriel let out a light chuckle.  “No, but the lack of it can. All we can do now is wait and see if Cassie can overcome such a drastic change in his being.”    
  
__   
  
Dean was on his third beer when Gabriel came out of his room. The booze from earlier and the beer he had just  drank were starting to give him a nice buzz. He felt good.    
  
“Dean!”   
  
The older brother was shocked with the feeling a hand on his shoulder.   
  
“What the hell Sammy, you almost gave me a heart attack!” He screamed while placing his right hand on the left side of his chest.   
  
“I’ve been calling you for the past two minutes. Gabriel talked to Cas and turned him into a human…”    
  
“What!?” Dean stood from the chair and looked behind Sam expecting to see Cas, but was presented with Gabriel. “That’s great, where is he!?” He asked both, but didn’t wait for a response, he ran towards his room. “Cas!!”   
  
“Dean,” Sam stopped him by placing a hand his chest. 

 

“What the hell Sam?!”

 

“He hasn’t woken yet, in fact, we don’t know if he will.”   
  
“What do you mean?” The older brother strode to the archangel.  “What the hell does he mean?!  The deal was, he turns human and he survives, what do you mean you don’t know if he will wake up?”   
  
Gabriel took a defiant step closer to Dean, “I never said Cas would survive if he turned human. In fact I gave many reasons as to why this could not work. I did MY part, I talked to my brother, I asked what he wanted, and then... I respected his wish.”  He claimed, pointing at himself at every ’I’.  “I turned him human, and he survived the procedure, but he hasn’t woken up. As I told your brother, all we can do is wait.”   
  
Dean turned his attention away from the archangel and focused it on his brother. “Sammy, you believe this bastard?”   
  
“Why would he lie, Dean? He has nothing to gain or lose from lying.”   
  
“I don’t know, maybe because he’s the trickster and likes to mess with people’s minds? I swear Sam, sometimes you can be so naïve. I’m done talking with you guys, I’m going to go check on Cas.”   
  
Dean flew out of the kitchen and into the dark corridor.  The hunter needed to see his friend.  He stood in front of his red walnut veneer door, he froze reaching for the door handle. The unknown of know what waited for him once he walked through that door was frightening.  

  
He held the doorknob for second, and turned it while taking in a deep breath. Slowly he pushed the door open and cautiously took a step into his room while looking at the floor.  The human felt as though the floor could shatter at any second and swallow him whole. He looked up and settled his gaze on Castiel, who was still laying on the bed, in the same position he had left him at before. The older brother saw his friend’s chest rise and fall and felt relieved.  He let go of a breath he hadn't noticed he was holding.   
  
Castiel was alive, and as long as he was alive there was hope that he could wake up soon. Dean strode up to Castiel and stared at his face, he looked at peace. Given what Gabriel had told him he expected Castiel to look in pain.   
  
Dean grabbed the chair next to his bed and positioned it so that he could hold Castiel’s hand when seated.  He looked at the door--which he left open—to check if Sam was coming in, but there was no Sam. He focused his attention back at Castiel and reached out to grab his friend’s hand that was laying on his side.   
  
“Cas, buddy, I need you to wake up,” he whispered.  “If you hear me, I need you to focus on getting better and wake up, please, I’m begging you. Look…I’m not one to talk about feelings, but I need you, we’ve been through so much...”, he felt his eyes begin to sting and took a moment to recollect himself.   
  
“…I don’t think I can do this without you. Gabriel said that being human to angels was something horrible, and that you might regret your decision.  But I’m going to be selfish here and ask that you pull through for me please.”   
  
The older hunter took a moment to see if he had gotten through to Castiel by some miracle.  He stared at his face, but nothing happened.   
  
Dean cleared his throat, “okay chick flick moment is over.” He let go of Castiel’s hand and laid back to rest on the chair.   
  
He must have dozed off because next thing he knew, he was being woken up by his brother.   
  
Dean blinked a couple of times until his vision started to clear and he could focus on his brother’s face. “Sam, what…?”   
  
“Dean, you can go rest in my room, I’ll keep an eye on him.”   
  
Dean turned to look at Castiel, he hadn’t moved an inch.   
  
“How long have I been out?”   
  
“Four hours.  It’s eight in the morning. I came here after Gabriel left, you were already knocked out.”   
  
The older brother stood from his chair and stepped towards his brother. “Wow so the asshole didn’t even wait to see if his brother would make it? Doesn’t this seem fishy to you? Did he even turn Cas human?”   
  
“Dean, there is nothing he could do anymore. He couldn’t stand being here and doing nothing.  If his brother died because of something he did...” Sam reasoned, trying to calm Dean down.   
  
“Whatever”, Dean said as he walked to his door. He turned back to his brother, “you will wake me if anything happens, understand?”   
  
Sam smiled, he knew Dean cared about Cas, but this was the first time he had showed just how much. “Yes Dean, if he so much as moves a finger I’ll come and call you.”   
  
Was his brother smiling to him? Yes, he was. What about this awful situation was worth to smile about?   
  
“Why are you smiling?”   
  
“Nothing Dean, just go get some rest, I promise I’ll wake you if anything happens.”   
  
Dean decided that he was too tired and drained to carry this conversation any longer. He zombie-walked to Sam’s room and let himself fall in his brother’s bed. He didn’t bother closing the door or taking off his shoes. He was asleep in a matter of seconds.   
  
Sam was left alone with Castiel, and not just any Castiel but human Castiel, someone he hadn’t met. After the long chat with Gabriel about all the problems Castiel could potentially stumble upon he couldn’t help but wonder if they had made the right choice in ‘saving’ him.   
  
‘ _ What if Cas hates his decision and ends up resenting us, or worse, he ends up hating himself? How will Cas deal with feelings? How will he defend himself without his mojo? What if…? _ ’ Sam was brought back to reality upon hearing someone grunt, it was Cas.   
  
He abruptly got up and ran towards the door. “DEAN!!!” He screamed towards his room hoping his brother would hear him.   
  
He ran back and kneeled beside Castiel. “Hey Cas, Cas can you hear me? It’s Sam.”   
  
Cas started to wake up from his haze, he could hear Sam.  He tried to open his eyes couldn’t handle the brightness—that was new.   
  
“Sam?” Castiel croaked, apparently his throat was dry—what a peculiar sensation.   
  
“Yes, its…”   
  
“Sam, what happened?” Dean asked as he bolted into  the room. “Cas, you’re awake!”   
  
Cas grunted again, closing his eyes tightly and covering his ears.   
  
“What’s wrong?” Both brothers asked.   
  
The ex-angel propped himself on his elbows and look at both brothers. “My throat hurts, I think…it feels…ughhh”, he slumped back to the bed covering his eyes.   
  
“Hey there Cas, take it easy”, Sam said while putting his hand on his shoulder. “How does a cup of water sound?”   
  
Castiel opened his eyes to look at Sam and nodded. “Okay, I’ll be right back.”   
  
Sam got up and headed towards the door, but stopped when he came past his brother.  “Feelings, being human, it’s all new to him, don’t let him get bombarded,” he hurriedly whispered.   
  
Dean nodded and walked towards Castiel.   
  
Castiel had gone back to closing his eyes and covering his ears. That started to concern Dean.   
  
“Cas..”, he said while kneeling next to him the same way Sam had. “Why are you covering your ears and closing your eyes?”   
  
“It’s too much.” He said through gritted teeth.   
  
“Too much pain?”   
  
“I…sense too much…the light, it bothers my eyes…they…hurt, I guess.” He opened his eyes and looked at Dean, his face was a couple inches from him.  All of the sudden he felt aware of how close they were, something that he had never been aware of before. Now he understood what Dean meant when he said ‘personal space’.   
  
“Cas, you here?” Dean asked just as Sam was walking in with a glass.   
  
He tilted his head and furrowed his forehead. “Yes Dean, I’m right in front of you.”   
  
“No Cas, that’s not…you zoned out, you were telling me about what you sensed and then stopped.”   
  
“Cas, here, drink the water. It will make you feel better”, Sam said.   
  
“Let me help you”, Dean said as he took Castiel’s right hand in one hand and placed the other to his back to help him sit up.   
  
“Thank you”, he said to both brothers as he took the glass of water from Sam  and started to drink the water.   
  


The first gulp of water hurt as it went down his throat.  But he quickly realised the need for water his body had and gulped it all down instinctively.  

  
“Did it help?” Sam asked.   
  
“Yes”, he uttered as he gave Sam the empty glass back, “my throat and stomach seem to feel better.”   
  
Dean’s eyes widened at that statement.   
  
“Shit, Cas, you must be starving.”   
  
Castiel tilted his head at Dean.  He had no clue what ‘starving’ felt like, he had no idea what that meant in the literal sense.   
  
“When you left Jimmy’s vessel he ate like eight burgers in one sitting. I’ll go make you something. Sammy, keep Cas company,” he ordered as he left the room.   
  
Sam noticed the way Cas’ expression changed when Dean mentioned Jimmy and decided to tackle that. One thing that he learned from the conversation with Gabriel was that he should not leave any feelings unresolved.   
  
“Cas”, he broke his friend’s trance as he sat down on the chair. “I know being human is very confusing to you at the moment, and you probably can’t decipher what your feeling. But I couldn’t help but notice the reaction you had when Dean mentioned Jimmy.”   
  
Castiel laid back down and turned to Sam. “Yes…it seems that Jimmy’s death affects me differently now that I’m human.”   
  
“Do you want to talk about it? We don’t have to do it right now if you’re uncomfortable, but it will help.” He threw a half smile at Castiel.   
  
The ex-angel couldn’t help but smile back at Sam, ‘this is odd’, he thought. 

 

“Thanks Sam, that's very kind of you, but I think dealing with what I’m physically feeling right now is of more import.”   
  
“Are you in pain?” Sam exclaimed.     
  
Cas shook his said. “It’s not so much pain as discomfort. My eyes couldn’t adjust to the light earlier, but they seem to do fine now. Then my throat and stomach hurt, but thanks to the water, my stomach is the only thing that is bothering me now…that and my ears. You and your brother talk too loud for my liking.”   
  
Sam couldn’t help but feel embarrassed.  lp   
  
“I’m sorry Cas, I didn’t notice that we were speaking loudly. We’re just glad that you pulled through and I’m guessing the excitement shone through our loudness.” He smiled again.   
  
Cas found it peculiar. Every time the younger hunter smiled, he couldn’t help but smile back.   
  
“Do you feel like going to the kitchen and seeing what Dean is fixing us for breakfast?’   
  
“Yes, I think I can manage that,” he stated while sitting back up.  

  
Castiel noticed that Sam was moving towards him to help him up, but felt that he couldn’t let him help.  He needed to prove that he could manage a simple human task like standing up.   
  
“Sam, I think I can manage getting up on my own. Gabriel did a fine job in healing me.”   
  
“Okay Cas,” Sam said, smiling again.  He was trying to make Castiel feel at ease, and he felt that smiling to his friend would suffice to let him know things were okay.   
  
They slowly made their way to the kitchen and found Dean making scrambled eggs and bacon.   
  
Dean stopped what he was doing when he saw Cas standing next to Sam. “Wow, Cas, shouldn’t you be resting?”   
  
“Dean I can manage a simple task like walking a couple of feet from your room to the kitchen, I’m human not an imbecile.”   
  
Dean was confused with Cas’ bold response. “Cas, I didn’t mean it that way. I’m just worried you’ll strain yourself, you had us pretty scared for a while.”   
  
“I’m sorry Dean…” He sighed, “…this is just a lot to take in.”   
  
“No problem, take a seat,“ Dean pointed towards the table and continued talking while serving their plates.  “Since we don’t know what you like yet I made scrambled eggs because, who doesn’t like scrambled eggs?”   
  
Cas took a seat along with Sam and waited for Dean to be seated before he started to eat. Cas decided that he liked scrambled eggs but preferred the bacon. He also tried the coffee, which he very much disliked and did not understand why Dean and Sam drank it regularly. He was lost in thought when Sam spoke to him.     
  
“Cas you ok?”    
  
“Yeah, my eyes are bothering me though. They feel heavy.” He sighed while rubbing his right eye.   
  
Dean let out a chuckle. “Buddy, that means that you’re sleepy. Sometimes after a heavy meal that happens, you feel sleepy because your body needs to digest what you just ate…or something like that…you should take a nap, you can use my room.”   
  
Castiel let out a sigh without noticing, but the brothers did, and turned their attention towards him.   
  
“Cas is everything okay?” The younger brother asked.   
  
“It’s just…this”, he said while pointing at himself “is so different, I don’t understand anything my body tells me because I’ve never experienced it. It’s just…ughh…I don’t know…maybe the nap will help.”   
  
“Yeah, usually naps help,” Dean said while picking up everyone’s plates.   
  
“Thanks for breakfast, it was a pleasant experience,” Castiel said while standing up. “I’ll show myself to your room.   
  
Both brothers nodded towards him, Castiel felt satisfied with their response and walked to Dean’s room. Once inside he closed the door behind him and leaned against it. He was having so many thoughts he never had before, he felt so aware of certain things that he never noticed before.  It was all so new to him, but the thing was, that everything in the bunker, including the brothers, was the same.  Everything was the same, yet very different.     
  
He decided that his mind should be put at ease and opted to take the nap he had talked about with the brothers.   
  
Falling asleep...now that was a new challenge. Sleeping in theory seemed to be something very simplistic, you close your eyes and you drift to sleep.  But now that he was in bed with his eyes closed he couldn’t manage to sleep. His mind kept on going places he didn’t want it to go and he kept trying to keep it blank. After tossing and turning a while he decided to give up trying to clear up his mind and gave into his thoughts. Surprising enough that's how darkness engulfed him and he fell asleep. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean sighed and pulled Cas’ covers off, “Cas, what is up with you?”
> 
> Cas turned his body to face the wall, eyes closed.
> 
> “Very mature Cas, I’m going to need you to turn around and look at me. We need to talk,” Dean was desperate to connect with Castiel, he laid his hand on top of his friends feet. He needed some sort of connection, he was losing his friend.

“It’s been a week Sam, a fricken week and Cas has not gotten his ass out of the bunker, what the hell are we supposed to do?” Dean complained as he put the Impala into park.   
  
“Dean we knew that this decision could take a lot out of Cas, we just got to be there for him,” Sam tried to reason.    
  
“You know I'm no good with feelings. I can’t…I can’t be there for him, I’m of no help,” Dean got out of the impala and leaned against the hood. He needed a moment to collect his thoughts before he got inside the bunker.   
  
Sam stepped out of the car and  grabbed the groceries. He walked towards Dean and gave him the six pack they got at the gas station on their way back from the grocery store. 

  
“Dean, this isn’t about you anymore. WE have got to be there for Cas no matter how uncomfortable we may feel. He was an angel for eons, that’s all he ever knew, and now, all of the sudden he’s human. There is no way you and I can grasp how he feels.” His brother wasn't looking at him anymore, but at the floor.  “Look at me Dean,” he waited until he had his brother undivided attention.  “We have got to be there for him, that means talking to him, answering all his questions, and trying to figure out what he’s feeling before he questions what it is.”   
  
Dean took a deep breath, “Sammy…”, he sighed.   
  
“I’m going to go inside and make dinner. You should go and check on Cas.”   
  
\---   
  
After the first night Cas spent with them as a human Dean and Sam set up a room for him, they told their friend about it, but Cas had seemed to grow fond of Dean’s room.  He had slept in Dean's room every day.  Dean felt like he would be an ass if he asked Cas to leave to the room they set up for him.  So he crashed in Cas’ room, but he didn’t mind it.  He could use the excuse of forgetting something in his room to go and check on Cas often.  

 

Dean knocked at his bedroom door, which apparently was no longer his but Cas’.  Cas didn’t answer, but after the third knock Dean opened the door regardless.  Cas was in bed, with the covers covering him head to toe.   
  
He swallowed, “Hey Cas, Sam is making dinner, do you feel up to going to the kitchen with us.”   
  
No response.   
  
The green eyed hunter took a tentative step inside, “Cas, it’s a simple answer, yes or no.”   
  
Dean heard Cas mumble something but he couldn’t make out what he said.   
  
The hunter walked toward his bed and sat down by Cas’ feet.   
  
Dean sighed and pulled Cas’ covers off, “Cas, what is up with you?”   
  
Cas turned his body to face the wall, eyes closed.   
  
“Very mature Cas, I’m going to need you to turn around and look at me. We need to talk,” Dean was desperate to connect with Castiel, he laid his hand on top of his friends feet.  He needed some sort of connection, he was losing his friend.

  
Cas opened his eyes but did not turn. His hair looked even messier than usual and he was starting to grow beard.   
  
“Dean, I do not feel like talking right now. Could you please leave?” He said while staring at the wall.   
  
“No.”   
  
Cas sighed and tried to cover back up but Dean caught his hand. He finally got Cas to look at him. But in that instant he wished he hadn’t looked into the ex-angel’s eyes. He looked so sad, so defeated; he had never looked like that before and it made Dean’s heart ache.   
  
“Cas, I want to help you.  Please just talk to me.”   
  
A tear escaped Cas’ eyes and trailed down his cheek. What do you do when your guy friend cries? Dean started to panic; he had no idea what to do.   
  
“Dean, please just go.” It was barely audible, it was such a small voice. The ex-angel covered his face with his hands and started to sob.   
  
The green eyed hunter stayed frozen. Cas was crying, his friend who last week was an angel and showed very little emotions was crying.   
  
He didn’t know what possessed him but next thing he knew he was pulling Cas into a hug. The moment he realized what he had done he tensed up and became very aware of what the situation looked like. Cas had stopped crying, probably from the shock, but he was still breathing pretty heavily.  Castiel was very stiff and had not made a single movement. 

 

Dean was laying on the bed next to Cas, one hand cradling his friend’s head towards his chest and the other holding him by the waist.  He didn’t know how long they lay like that. But by the time Dean gathered his thoughts to speak, Cas’ breath had gone back to normal.   
  
“Cas, I know I suck at talking about feelings or anything remotely close to that. But, I want you to know that you can come to me and talk to me about anything you feel or have questions about. Sam and I will do our best to help you deal with being human. So please stop hiding from us, okay?”   
  
Cas didn’t respond verbally, but he nodded and returned the embrace by hiding his face in Dean’s chest and throwing an arm around his torso.   
  
Normally Dean would freak out over an incident like this, but for some reason he couldn’t bring himself to move away from Cas. He just held him tighter. Although this felt weird it was better than his friend crying.   
  
Dean had started to rub soothing circles on Cas’ back when Sam’s voice broke the silence in the room. “Guys dinner’s ready!!”   
  
Sam was looking at both of them but seemed to not to be surprised by what was before him.   
  
“Cas do you feel like joining Dean and me for dinner or would you like me to bring the food to you?”   
  
Cas started to uncover himself, which Dean took as his cue to untangle himself from him and stand up.   
  
“Yeah, I think I can manage that.”   
  
Sam couldn’t help but smile at the little milestone they reached today. “Great, I’ll set up the table.”   
  
Sam had made spaghetti, something Cas said he wanted to try last time they talked.   
  
“So Cas, what do you think about spaghetti, is it something you like?”   
  
Cas took a pensive moment before speaking. “Yes I like it a lot, especially when I add the tomato sauce to the garlic bread,” he said , dipping his bread in the spaghetti sauce.   
  
Sam felt the urge to correct Cas’ statement from ‘tomato sauce’ to ‘spaghetti sauce’ but decided against it. “Great, I’ll add it to the list.”   
  
Sam had started a list with meals Cas liked and disliked. It was the way they bonded now. Sam would talk with Cas about the ingredients he put on each meal and then they would put it on their ‘Good vs. Bad’ list. So far Cas had liked everything except Sloppy Joes which he found ‘unsettling’.   
  
Dean cleared his throat. Cas had not taken a shower since turning human and was starting to smell, the brothers didn’t know how to bring it up. But after a rock, paper, scissors match, it was up to him to cover the topic. Damn those scissors.     
  
“Cas, ummm…I got you some stuff on our trip to the store earlier. Want to come? I left them in the study,” Dean treaded lightly.     
  
It was miracle enough that Cas had joined them in the kitchen and he didn’t want to push his luck, thankfully Cas agreed.   
  
In the study Dean grabbed a couple bags from the middle table and started to take their contents out.  Cas stood staring attentively.    
  
“I got you a couple of underwear packs, some sweats and jeans. I only got you only one shirt since most of my shirts fit you, we can share until you feel up to going out and picking some yourself.  I also got you some socks, slippers, and sandals... umm I also got you some hygiene products”, he said as he took out a loofa, soap, shampoo and deodorant. “I believe Sam told you how to take a shower, but do you have any questions?”   
  
“No, Sam was very helpful, thanks.”   
  
“Great, I also got you stuff to shave. I’ll teach you after you take a shower. There are towels in the bedroom closet…oh and I also got you lotion.” He put everything back in the bags and held it out for Cas to take.   
  
Cas grabbed the bags and look at Dean with an appreciative smile.“Thanks Dean.”   
  
Dean smiled back, he tackled the problem without having to mention it. “No problem Cas, I’ll be in the library, so after you shower, come find me so I can teach you to shave.”   
  
Cas gave a nod and walked away.   
  
Everything had gone smoothly thankfully. After a couple of minutes had passed Sam came and joined Dean in the library.   
  
“Hey, how did the hygiene discussion go?”   
  
Dean looked up from his laptop to meet Sam’s eyes. “Great”, he smiled, “he should be showering by now. He’ll come looking for me afterwards so that I can teach him to shave.”   
  
Sam taped the table, “good.” He had just turned to walk out when Dean called him.   
  
“You aren’t going to mention it?”   
  
Sam gave Dean a confused look, “what?”   
  
‘ _ Asshole _ ’ he thought, he was going to make him say it. “Me and Cas earlier, in my room?”   
  
Sam shrugged, “what about it?”   
  
“Wasn’t it weird?”, the older brother closed his lap top, he needed to tackle this discussion without interruptions.   
  
“All I saw was my brother comforting a friend. Nothing wrong or weird about it.”   
  
Dean rubbed his chin, “I feel weird about it.”   
  
“Well you got Castiel out of the room and now he’s taking a shower, so suck it up.” Sam turned and walked out of the library.   
  
“Bitch”   
  
“Jerk!”, Sam he called out from the hall.   
  
\--   
  
Cas came into the library. Dean gave him a quick look over, “feeling fresh?”   
  
Cas was wearing a pair of grey sweatpants and black slippers Dean had bought him, and one of Dean’s plain black shirts. He looked so much better. They just needed to take care of his growing beard and he would look like the old Cas, minus the suit and trench coat.   
  
The ex-angel gave him a quizzical look. “I guess, I feel a lot more relaxed and…lighter?”   
  
“Yup, that’s what fresh means Cas. Good. Okay so let me just put this stuff away and I’ll teach you to shave.”   
  
In the bathroom Dean explained to Castiel why he needed shaving lotion, a good razor and aftershave. Cas was giving him his undivided attention and seemed very intrigued.   
  
“Okay Cas, so this can be kind of messy, especially since this is your first time. Sometimes you can get shaving lotion on your shirt or get it wet when you wash your face. So you might want to-”   
  
“Okay”, Dean was going to say that he might want to put his towel around his neck, but Cas had decided to take off his shirt.   
  
Dean had never paid much attention to Castiel before, but now that his friend stood in front of him, shirtless, and in a confined space, he couldn’t help but notice all of him. He was tan, lean, and muscular; he had a runner’s body. His sweatpants hugged his hips just right, his hipbones made V shape that lead down south along with a trail of coarse hair.  He  was lost in thought when he noticed he had been staring.   
  
He cleared his throat, “alright since you just took a shower your pores are open, so you won't need to put a damp warm washcloth on your cheeks . But if you hadn’t you should do so, it helps your skin not get irritated.”   
  
Cas nodded, and with that the new ‘how to be human’ lecture began.This new experience had been good. Cas only cut himself a little bit under his jaw, but other than that everything ran smoothly.   
  
After the shaving lesson the two brothers and Cas went to Sam’s room to watch Netflix. It seemed that having Cas be successful in simple human things had made him very happy. He even started conversations with them and asked questions.   
  
Sam was laying on his bed while Dean and Cas sat on chairs. They were watching a bee documentary. Which Cas seemed to be fascinated by.   
  
As the documentary ended Sam decided to test their luck and push Castiel a little.   
  
“Cas”, Sam said. “Would you like to go out tomorrow?”   
  
Cas stayed quiet for a while, not breaking eye contact with the TV.  Dean was about to try and nudge Cas, when he responded, “No.”   
  
“Why not?” Both brothers asked.   
  
Cas looked mad, he got up from the chair and walked to the door, “I’d like to sleep now.” He said in a monotone voice.   
  
“Cas wait-” 

  
Sam grabbed his brother’s arm, “let him go, we shouldn’t push him.”   
  
“Sam what the hell? Did you not see the way he flinched at the question? You’re the one who said that we should help him figure out what he’s feeling. He’s clearly scared of something,”  Dean said in a loud enough voice for his brother to know he was serious, but low enough so that Castiel couldn’t hear them.   
  
“Yes I know, but I don’t want to push him. He made so much progress today, tomorrow we’ll tackle it.”   
  
Dean stayed quiet, just staring at the door from which Cas had just left a couple minutes ago.   
  
“It’s one in the morning Dean, go get some sleep.”   
  
“I’m not tired,“ the older brother said in an irritated voice.   
  
Sam let out a harsh breath, “well I am, so can you leave?”   
  
“Fine, I’ll be at the library doing some research.”   
  
“Dean, we’ve been over this. There is nothing in there about angels turning into humans,” he said in a defeated voice.   
  
Dean got up from his seat abruptly, causing it to fall. “Well I’ll be there regardless; I can’t just be okay with how things are.”   
  
“Dean I’m not-”, it was of no use to try to explain to Dean how he saw things at the moment, he had already left.   
  
\--   
  
Cas ran inside Dean’s room and closed the door behind him. He was breathing frantically, it was hard to catch his breath.  He leaned his back against the door as he started to feel his eyes burn. Being human and dealing emotions was very difficult. He recognized the feeling he had at the moment as anger, but why was it making him cry? And why did he get angry to begin with?   
  
Sam had asked a simple question, why was it having such a big impact on him now? The more he thought about it and tried to make sense of it, the more it overwhelmed him. Next thing he knew he was sobbing uncontrollably and could not contain himself.   
  
He felt his energy give out, his knees buckled and he fell to the floor. He cradled his head between his knees and hugged them. For some reason this made him feel a little better.   
  
After what felt like hours he was able to stop crying and felt strong enough to get up and walk to the bed. Which was a relief because the position he was in was starting to make him hurt. He got into bed, not bothering his his flippers, and covered himself up.   
  
He felt so much better; it was weird that such an unpleasant experience, like crying, made him feel a little better once it was over.   
  
He closed his eyes and let the darkness consume him.   
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea where this story will be taking me, so I will be adding additional tags as the story progresses.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last night had ended in a very sour note. When Dean had left Sam's room he had gone off to try and talk to Cas, only to be met with Cas' loud muffled sobs across the door. He had debated opening the door to try and help sooth his friend, but refrained from doing so. Instead he went to his room to try and get some rest. He regretted his decision now, what if Cas did something stupid and he could have stopped it?

It was almost nine in the morning when there was a knock on Dean’s now-bedroom door. He lazily got up and opened the red veneer door, behind it was an alarmed Sam. 

 

“What is it?,” Dean croaked.     
  
“Dean, have you seen Cas?”   
  
The older brother tried to rub the sleep off his eyes, “no, but I’m guessing he’s in his room since he never comes out of there.”   
  
“I checked, he’s not there.”   
  
“Bathroom?”   
  
“Dean, I checked the obvious places; bathroom, shower, and kitchen, ” he emphasized each one by counting them off in his fingers.  “I’m here because I haven’t found him.”   
  
“Okay, well he can’t have gone far. He’s probably busy reading some book or watching Netflix,”  Dean reasoned, even though there were alarms going off in his head.   
  
Last night had ended in a very sour note.  When Dean had left Sam's room he had gone off  to try and talk to Cas, only to be met with Cas' loud muffled sobs across the door.  He had debated opening the door to try and help sooth his friend, but refrained from doing so.  Instead he went to his room to try and get some rest. He regretted his decision now, what if Cas did something stupid and he could have stopped it?    
  
Sam and Dean looked around everywhere in the bunker, and still no Cas.  They tried his cell, but it went straight to voicemail.  Which meant he either turned it off so that they couldn't reach him, or his battery had died and if Cas was trying to reach them there was no way he could. Neither explanation gave Dean relieve, but he’d rather it was the first one.

 

Dean cruised around in the Impala, hoping that he would spot the ex-angel amidst. Sam went into the woods to try out his luck. 

 

But there was no luck.

 

It was afternoon now and they both came out empty handed.   
  
Desperate times called for desperate measures. The Winchester brothers found themselves in their dungeon summoning the King of Hell for help again.   
  
He appeared to them as soon as the spell was cooked up. The king looked up to them and gave them a half smirk, he looked pleased with himself. “Missed me so soon? I must say, you Winchester brothers get really clingy once the other party shows any interest.”   
  
Sam was the first to speak of the two brothers. “Crowley, we need your help.”   
  
“Oh, and here I thought you missed me.” He pointed at Dean, “Snow White here got her Prince Charming, I thought you wanted some company,” he finished by pointing at Sam.     
  
Dean gave him a heated look.   
  
“We need your help locating Cas,” Sam revealed.   
  
“Samantha, you couldn’t take the competition and kicked the poor puppy out?”   
  
Dean was getting fed up with the demon’s games, “all right Crowley, cut the bullshit out!,” he scolded.  “We woke up today and haven’t been able to find Cas. He was acting weird yesterday and we believe he ran away. We ruled out angel kidnapping because we made him hex bags to protect him from those dicks and he took them with him. We didn’t get him a warding tattoo against demons… that’s why we called you,” Dean stated.   
  
“So you want me to bring your runaway child back?,” the demon asked in a taunting manner.  “If he ran away, I’m pretty sure that means he doesn’t want to be with you.”   
  
Sam tried to get through to Crowley, “Cas is human now. He can’t defend himself against angels, demons, or even humans. He needs help.”   
  
Crowley rubbed his chin, “I’ll look for him--- but that doesn’t mean that I’ll bring him back.”   
  
What the hell is Crowley talking about? The older brother’s patience was running thin. “What the hell do you mean?!”   
  
“Cas is his own person squirrel, and right now I have no quarrel with the guy. If he wants to be left alone, I’ll leave him alone,” he simply stated and disappeared.   
  
“Who the hell does he think he is?!,” the older brother screamed.   
  
“Dean, you need to calm down.”   
  
“Calm down!?  Cas is out there going through God knows what, and you want me to calm down!? How can you be so damn calm?!”   
  
“Look, there’s nothing we can do. Let’s just wait and see what Crowley finds out.”   
  
“You trust him?”   
  
“Of course not, but right now, he’s all we have.”   
  
Dean grabbed his car keys, which lay on the interrogation table, and marched to the door. “Sam, I can’t do this.”   
  
“Where are you going?”   
  
No response.   
  
Sam opted to let his brother go.  Meanwhile he went to check Dean’s room to see what Castiel had taken. One of Dean’s duffel bags was missing; the clothes and cleaning utensils that they had given him the day before were missing too. Cas had taken his phone, but they already knew that. No weapons were missing. He decided to check the kitchen-- to his despair no food was missing. If Cas had not been able to get to a homeless shelter or come by some money, he had not eaten all day.   
  
\---   
  
It was almost one in the morning when Dean got back to the bunker--alone. Sam noticed his brother wasn’t drunk, which was great considering the circumstances. But it was probably not going to last, he was holding a 6-pack of beer in one hand and a bottle of Jack in the other. Neither spoke but they walked in union to the kitchen.   
  
“Any word on Cas?, “ Dean shattered the silence.   
  
“No, where did you go?”   
  
Dean set down the beer and liquor on the kitchen table. He offered a beer bottle to his younger brother, which he declined, so the older hunter decided to gulp it down in one go.   
  
“I drove around hoping to spot Cas,” he opened his hands emphasizing he was empty handed. “No luck. So I stopped at EVERY homeless shelter I found on the internet and asked if they had seen him. Again NO luck. So then I started driving around the towns here, going to places where we usually see homeless people, and again, guess what? No luck.” He opened up another beer. “So then I decided, fuck it, stopped at a liquor store and bought me some coping mechanism because I cannot do anything to help Cas!”  He took a long swing at the beer and set it on the table with more force than needed.  “So Sammy, it goes without saying that if you EVEN think about mentioning what I do to cope right now, I will make you regret it.”   
  
Someone whistled behind the brothers. They both turned at the same time, adrenaline already coursing through their body, weapons that seconds before were hidden in their clothes, raised.   
  
“Your boyfriend really has your panties on a twist doesn’t he Dean,” the King of Hell teased.   
  
Dean didn’t lose a beat, “where’s Cas?” Slowly lowering his silver knife.   
  
“Yeah, about that---it seems our dear friend has warded himself against demons too. I couldn’t find him. I did give some of my demons the task of finding our beloved Castiel. I gave the order that they are not to touch him, just to inform me of his whereabouts.”   
  
“pfff, so we’re back to zero, that’s just…that’s just great,” Dean started to chuckle, why? He didn’t know, this was all too absurd. He grabbed one of the empty beer bottles on the kitchen table and threw it against the wall and walked away.   
  
“Dean…,” Sam said, trailing behind his brother only to be stopped by a hand on his forearm.     
  
“Sam, leave him be,” Crowley let him go. “We both know that man does not speak, feelings, and he has to deal with the fact that his crush is out there in probable need of help. I must say, even I am worried about him, and I don’t particularly care about him.”   
  
“Don’t pretend to know what this situation feels like--”   
  
“Look Moose, I got more pressing matters to attend to. But I chose to help you out, even though you have nothing to offer me. Yet you are ungrateful and greedy, wanting more than I can offer,” the demon gritted.  “I’m sorry that I couldn’t help, I actually really am,” he finished compassionately.     
  
The demon had banished, leaving Sam dumbfounded by his blunt sincerity. Since when did the King of Hell show genuine interest in anyone’s wellbeing that was not his own?   
  
Sam looked down at the mess Dean made and decided to clean it, he needed to occupy his mind.  After cleaning the kitchen he checked the Web for news regarding a guy fitting Cas’ description.  Luckily he came out empty handed.  He was starting to feel a headache coming. Probably from lack of sleep and the stress and…he hadn’t eaten all day! No wonder he felt like shit. He had been so enthralled in the search for Cas that he had forgotten to eat. Sam didn’t have an appetite, but food was necessary in order for him to be able to look for his friend. He finished cleaning up the mess and went to check the fridge with the intention of cooking a meal.  But instead the younger brother decided to make himself and Dean a sandwich, cooking had been the way he and Cas had connected this past week, doing so without him now felt wrong.   
  
He put the sandwiches on plastic plates and grabbed two water bottles. Dean hadn’t taken his car keys---they still laid in the kitchen table--- he had to be either in his room or in the library. Sam decided to try out his luck in the library first, which turned out to be the best choice.  Dean was sitting in the far out table at the library.  He was engrossed in a book. “Here,” Sam said while placing the plate and water next to his brother.   
  
“I’m not hungry.”   
  
“I know, me neither. But we need to refuel,” he sat down opposite to his older brother. He took a bite off his sandwich, After swallowing his first bite he realized his brother’s sandwich laid intact on the plate, “eat,” he said through a mouthful.   
  
Dean obliged and hesitantly started to eat.   
  
“What are you reading?,“ Sam asked.    
  
“I’m trying to see if I can find a locating spell.”   
  
“I don’t think we have anything of that sort.”   
  
“Well thanks for cheering a guy up,”  Dean grumbled.     
  


They continued to eat in silence.  When Sam noticed Dean was done with his plate he decided to break the silence.

  
“I think we should go to sleep. It’s almost three in the morning. Let’s get some shut eye...start tomorrow with a fresh mind.”   
  
“I’m not tired.”   
  
“Me neither Dean, but we’ve got to try. We will be of no use if we wear ourselves down.”   
  
“Sam, I can’t. Cas is out there, God knows where. We don’t know if he’s eaten today, if he found a place to sleep, if he’s in trouble. We. Don’t. Know. Anything.”   
  
“I know Dean. Don’t you think this is hard on me as well? I’ve called and texted him a thousand times, hoping each time that he’ll respond. I’ve gone to your room a dozen times hoping to find him lying in bed. I’ve prayed to him hoping that somehow, even though he’s human now, he can hear me. But he’s not here, and he’s not responding, and he can’t hear me. So I’ve got to do what I can do, which right now is rest so that tomorrow we can come up with a plan and look for him. So get up and go to sleep. Tomorrow we’ll look at this differently.”   
  
\---   
  
Dean walked into his bedroom, which recently had served as Castiel’s bedroom. The bed was uncovered from one side, Cas hadn’t bothered to make the bed. Probably because he didn’t know how make a bed, he realized.  Fuck! He walked inside his room and closed the door. All of the sudden it felt so foreign to him. It was exactly the same way it was before Cas had used it, but now it felt as if it was missing something. He walked to his bed, kicked off his shoes, and shimmied out of his pants. He laid face down in his bed, he was completely awake. s

  
He could smell Cas on his pillow. Funny, he hadn’t notice that Cas had a smell, or that he missed this smell even though he didn’t know it existed until now. It was like the summer breeze near the sea shore. He couldn’t bring himself to close his eyes. He had to know where Cas was, he had to know he was safe.   
  
He sat up on the edge of his bed and grabbed his pants. He looked for his phone in the front pocket, he had to call Cas, maybe this time he would pick up.   
  
He dialed. Again it went straight to voicemail. He decided to leave a message this time.   
  
“Cas, it's Dean. Look man, I’m really worried about you. I don’t know why you left, but whatever it is, we can work through it,” he could feel his voice starting to tremble. He needed to get a grip on himself, he cleared his throat. “Cas we're family, you are my family. Please come back. Or at least let us know that you’re okay.”   
  
He set his phone down on the night stand. It was a little past three now, he decided to put an alarm for seven. Four hours should be enough. He laid back down and wrapped the blankets around him, surrounding himself in Castiel’s scent.  It brought him comfort. Any other day, he would've wondered why this was. But right now he was physically and mentally exhausted and finally felt calm enough to get some shut eye.   
  
It felt like he had closed his eyes for a second and all of the sudden his alarm was going off. He had a moment when he thought of turning his phone off and going back to sleep. But last day’s events rushed back, Cas had left and they needed to find him.   
  
He got up and rushed to the kitchen with the intention of starting up coffee, only to realize that Sam had beat him to it.   
  
“So, I have an idea,” the younger brother stated, like he had anticipated Dean coming in the moment he did.   
  
Dean stood still.  “Okay? Let’s hear it.”   
  
“We should call Gabriel.”   
  
“Sam, Gabriel was very specific about what would happen to Cas if he became human and about not wanting to be involved.”   
  
“Dean, he’s his brother. I’m sure--”   
  
“Gabriel is an archangel,“ Dean stated as he began to pour himself coffee.  “Those are bigger dicks than the regular angels we deal with. I don’t want him to come to us only to rub it in our faces that he ‘told us so’ and leave.”  He took a sip from his cup.     
  
“Dean, he’s our last option.”   
  
“No.”   
  
“I will do anything it takes to get Cas back, wont you?”   
  
Dean was stunned by Sam’s comeback. How could he believe that he wouldn’t do anything in his power to get Cas back? He could feel rage building in the pit of his stomach.  He pointed at his brother, “DON’T.”   
  
“Why not? Tell me, other than a blow to your ego, is it a bad idea to call Gabriel?”   
  
“Fine, call him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking a while to update. Adulting and college are kicking my ass.


End file.
